satu persepsi

masa kecil saya dulu, kartun yang saya suka adalah Walt Disney's.

Berangan-angan nak jadi secantik princess itu, princess ini, nak kahwin dengan handsome prince.
And, they live happily ever after.


Dan, sekarang, umur saya sudah cukup tua untuk faham erti hidup dan erti perkahwinan.

Meneruskan hidup dengan memasuki alam perkahwinan, tak pernah Allah janjikan yang bahagia ria sepanjang usia.
yang buat janji palsu macam tu hanya Walt Disney punya kartun.

Allah janjikan perkara yang berlainan.

seperti termaktub dalam Al-Baqarah (2:155)

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.

 

Ali 'Imran (3: 142)

Do you think that you will enter Paradise before Allah tests those of you who fought (in His Cause) and (also) tests those who are As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.)? 

 

Al-An'Am (6:165)

 

He it is Who hath placed you as viceroys of the earth and hath exalted some of you in rank above others, that He may try you by (the test of) that which He hath given you. Lo! Thy Lord is swift in prosecution, and Lo! He verily is Forgiving, Merciful.

 

Al-A'raf (7: 168)

 

And We divided them throughout the earth into nations. Of them some were righteous, and of them some were otherwise. And We tested them with good [times] and bad that perhaps they would return [to obedience].

 

=================================

but, don't be scare,

don't be stress,

don't be angry with Allah.

 

in life there will be dissapoinment,

there will be unfulfilled dream,

there will be tears and broken heart,

but,

everything happens for a reason.

 

there is another thing that Allah has promised:

 

(94:5-6)

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

[Sumber: quran.com ]

We have very little knowledge about our life and future,

only Allah knows.

so, pray to Him only.

only Him.

deep

kadang-kadang,
kita dah ulang banyak kali sesuatu perkara tu,
tapi tak pernah berjaya.

contoh paling mudah: mendapatkan berat badan yang ideal.

ayat brother Paulo Coelho ni memang patut jadi motivasi.

patut gantung kat dinding instead of jam.

sebab jam yang berdetik pun dah tak ada kesan takut dalam hati langsung.
masa yang terbuang, tak ada patah balik.
masa yang berlalu, maknanya sekarang makin dekat dengan kematian.


tapi hati ni keras betul.

dapat ayat ni, terdiam.

jawapan kepada persoalan.

People are so afraid of pain. Terrified of falling or failing. Terrified of the break. Terrified of picking up the pieces. That is why we don't try. That is why we don't put ourselves out there or really live. But we only fear pain, and breaks and wounds, because we rely on ourselves to heal them. If we truly believed that no matter how broken, how much pain, or how deep the wound, we could run to the Healer, we would no longer be so afraid to try, to risk, to feel. To live. And that would look like courage.

-Sister Yasmin Mogahed-

lesson about love and marriage

Highly recommended to watch.
by sister Yasmin Mogahed.

Please follow her on her instagram, subscribe to her Youtube channel to listen to her speech and buy her book "Reclaim Your Heart".

Generally, in this 1-hour video (yes, its 1 hour long, but its really worth it. watch to the end) she speaks about what is not love, what is love and what is marriage. In Q&A session, you can get the answer of how to select your life partner according to Islam,  understanding the reality of istikharah-- what is istikharah and how will your prayer be answered? is it true the answer thru dream?

if you are searching the meaning of marriage, love, want to know how to select life partner. try your best to watch this video.

May Allah answer your doubt.

anak kecil

saya ada sejenis penyakit takut sekarang.
takut tengok orang kahwin.

rasa macam saya nak pergi tanya pada pengantin lelaki dan perempuan tu;
"kenapa awak nak kahwin? apa yang awak berdua expect dari perkahwinan ini?"

bagi saya,
jawapan daripada soalan ini adalah jawapan yang paling akan menentukan mind set mereka.

having expectation pada perkahwinan dan manusia untuk mendapatkan kebahagiaan adalah satu kesilapan.

it doesn't work that way.


kita mesti dah sedia happy dan berkahwin dengan tujuan nak menggembirakan pasangan.
ini yang saya faham setelah saya baca tulisan sister Yasmin Mogahed.

teringat kisah tahun lepas yang mana kes penceraian adalah majoriti kes yang dibicarakan dalam Mahkamah Syariah Kuantan dalam 1 hari. 48 out of 50.

lalu macam mana?

masalah ada.
lalu jalan penyelesaiannya?


saya jadi risau jugak bila saya tengok penceramah-penceramah, penulis buku dan etc menulis dan mempromosikan cinta Islamic?


how do they define cinta Islamic?
kalau filem dan drama bersiri-- adoi. jangan tengok sebab kalau tengok merosakkan akidah anak-anak muda saja.


kalau setakat cakap saya cinta anta/anti kerana Allah Taala...

*muntah hijau*


jangan mencarut dengan skrip-skrip yang geli geleman.


kepentingan institusi kekeluargaan.

saya sendiri lahir daripada keluarga yang abah saya berpoligami.
ada macam-macam cerita dan drama sepanjang hidup.

as soon as parents ada gaduh-gaduh depan anak-anak,
then berpisah terus,
bercerai atas kertas hanyalah formaliti dan undang-undang dunawi,

apabila parents telah berpisah,
itu sudah cukup membunuh anak-anak itu.


saya dulu jadi benci pada lelaki.
saya rasa semua lelaki jahat.
saya kurang keyakinan diri.
saya hidup dengan menyalahkan orang lain sahaja...
dan dosa yang paling saya kesalkan--
saya asyik menyalahkan Allah atas apa-apa saja yang berlaku.


penat tau hidup macam tu.



saya bersyukur yang Allah masih sayangkan saya dan terus sabar dengan kerenah saya yang patutnya ditanam hidup-hidup dalam lumpur je.

kesan dari keruntuhan institusi kekeluargaan masih banyak di luar sana,
kesan-kesan yang tak saya alami tapi dialami oleh orang lain.

contoh:
duduk serumah tanpa nikah.
mengandung bayi tanpa nikah.
buang bayi.
pelacuran.
etc.
(setiap dosa yang tertulis di atas-- bukan kekal. yang makna asalkan pembuat telah bertaubat nasuha, ianya habis..khalas. tak perlu diungkit)

*tunduk malu pada Tuhan*




sekarang,
kita selalu buat kerja yang pelik-pelik.

kita sendiri yang masuk alam perkahwinan dengan ilmu yang cetek.
kita sendiri yang runtuhkan institusi kekeluargaan Islam yang sebenarnya sangat cantik.
kita sendiri yang merosakkan akhlak anak-anak kita,
kita yang menyebabkan ada bayi-bayi longkang dan tong sampah.
dan kemudian,
kita jugalah bersuara lantang menjatuhkan hukuman pada pembuat.


apalah guna.
kita yang lahirkan penjenayah lalu menghukum mereka?


kita ni apa?
besar sangat?
kita siapa?


* lempang diri sendiri*

street buskers

hari Khamis haritu, saya pergi KLCC jumpa coursemate masa kat UTP.
naik tren turun LRT KLCC.

best sangat sebab kat stesen tu ada street buskers.

on the way coming to KLCC -- suara brother tuh memang macho bak Papa Rock.
best......

masa balik, brother Ayawan Musafir Singgah main flute.

*mulut ternganga*
*terpegun*

jakun lah sekejap saya kat situ.

sangat merdu....

silalah follow FB brother Ayawan Musafir Singgah dan subscribe pada youtube channel beliau. Kalau dapat dengar flute ni tepi pantai, bersama deruan ombak, tiupan angin laut...

perrrgghhhhh!!

PERFECT!

questions

ada orang tanya saya,
apa sebab saya nak kahwin?


-
-
-
-
-
-

masa tu saya tak tahu nak jawab apa.

sebab, kalau dulu, saya boleh jawab dengan mudah;
saya nak kahwin sebab semua orang pun kahwin.
saya nak kahwin sebab orang selalu tanya bila saya nak kahwin.
saya nak kahwin sebab nak dapat pahala and all.
saya nak kahwin supaya saya tak rasa diri sendiri loser.
sekadar nak beritahu pada orang; "aku pun laku jugak".

sungguh cliche.

tapi sekarang,

seriusly.
saya tak ada reason nak beritahu.
sebab perkahwinan bukan lagi tiket untuk saya dapat kebahagiaan.
i accepted who i am and i am gay.
i am happy enough now.


so, why should i trouble myself for mariage?

-
-
-
-
-
-
-

that's the point that i learnt.
actually,
i am scared to marry.

several days,
i have been looking for the answer.
been asking people.
been observing others.

couldn't find any answer yet.
maybe its there but i wasn't listening and looking.

i think, maybe, all that i need is to put trust in Allah.

Discover Your Identity - Nouman Ali Khan - Bayyinah

seorang perempuan

harini saya belajar satu lesson yang sangat besar.
(bagi sayalah..)

seorang perempuan,
belajarlah setinggi mana,
kerjalah gaji sebesar mana,

akan ditanya juga soala-soalan cliche seperti:

"pandai masak apa?"
"pandai kemas rumah?"
"lepas mandi, tuala sidai balik tak?"
"baju letak atas lantai ke?"
"lepas makan, pinggan kotor letak kat sinki tak?"
"basuh pinggan sendiri tak?"
"kemas katil bila bagun tidur tak?"


soalan-soalan simple.

bukannya masuk dalam exam SPM.
bukannya ditanya dalam soalan interview kerja.
bukannya dikira dalam KPI untuk naik gaji.

tapi,

kebersihan,
kekemasan,

untuk saya,
saya beri full respect pada perempuan2 yang OCD ni.

(if that what people call them--OCD)

full respect to you.

saya kena belajar kemas dan membersih.

yosh!

street dakwah

ini adalah first experience saya melibatkan diri dengan street dakwah.

experience yang bagus.
an eye opener.
belajar untuk bersabar.
belajar untuk berkomunikasi.

dan,
perlu lebih banyak belajar.

kalau tak,
kosong.
tak ada isi.

Derma Organ

mari daftar sebagai penderma organ!

InsyaAllah!

gambar sentap

dengan kertas ditulis nama kita atasnya boleh jamin dapat duit?

pertama kali saya tengok gambar ni saya sangat sentap.

saya teringat zaman saya tengah menganggur dulu.
saya sangat sedih. down.

dengan kelayakan master pun boleh menganggur, apekah?

saya dah pernah merasa kerja di dapur McD, kedai kek Kings, jadi AA di UIA Kuantan, jadi pum attendance di stesyen minyak Shell.

waktu kerja kat McD dan stesen minyak Shell adalah waktu di mana saya jadi infieriti kompleks. Ada masa tu, terserempak dengan kawan-kawan sekolah. Malunya tak tau nak cakap lah.

Dan, sekarang Allah dah bagi pada saya kerja yang saya suka. Dan, saya bersyukur yang Allah pernah beri saya pengalaman bekerja di McD dan pum attendance.

Pengalaman ni telah mengajar saya erti rendah diri.
Humble.

Satu pengajaran yang betul-betul sentap dalam hati saya.

Sebab saya terlalu bangga dengan Master yang saya dapat. Dan its takes those lesson supaya saya dapat jatuhkan ego saya.

kepada sesiapa yang masih menganggur,
jangan risau pasal duit, sebab bila awak dah dapat kerja yang awak hendak selok-selok sangat, still awak akan ada masalah tak cukup duit.

metaphora: lagi besar periuk, lagi tebal keraknya.

awak akan ada segala macam keinginan yang awak nak cuba buat dan beli kerana sekarang awak dah ada duit.

yang paling penting, adalah your attitude.

Yes.
Your attitude

KSK

Happy faces.

Starting after raya last year, I actively joined Kechara Soup Kitchen (KSK).
What is KSK?
KSK is an NGO that gives food to the homeless.(the client)

Volunteering in KSK, is such an eye opener.

Selama ni, saya rasa nasib diri saya sahaja yang paling malang, but, looking at the client.

sangat menusuk hati.

lihat orang tidur kat kaki lima kedai.
bila kita lihat orang tua yang tidur kat situ.
lagilah rasa nak menangis.

bila saya nampak ladyboy yang dah tua, kulit kerepot, dah tak cantik.
macam manalah akhiran hidup mereka?
di tepi jalan juga kah?

keluarga buang mereka.
masyarakat jijik dengan mereka.
kerja tak ada.
duit tak ada.
rumah tak ada.

mereka hanya ada sesama sendiri.

macam-macam cerita tepi jalan yang akan awak jumpa.
kalau orang tak percaya Tuhan datang join KSK dan lihat semua cerita sedih ni,
saya yakin mereka akan lebih benci pada Tuhan.


saya doakan Allah selalu lindungi mereka.
Ameen.

i am a year closer to death

Welcome 2015.
I am 32, Fat and Not Married.

This is a story about being grateful with what we have.
Story about how I came to learn to love myself for who I am.

Well, it started since I was in high school. I can say that I am overweight since then. And, I was constantly hate myself. Now, I am not overweight anymore, I am with obesity. Alhamdulillah.
I don't like my weight. It always goes over 70 kg, 80 kg.
I don't like myself. I have been trying all sort of method available in the market specially for weight loss.

I tried product A, product B, product C but the result is not as what I am expected nor as the advert propagate.
some are too expensive to maintain.
some are not effective anymore.
some are giving me bad health.
etc..etc..

Damn!

When people said it straight to my face about my weight, about my effort trying this pills and this drinks, it hurts REALLY BAD inside.
Its not like I don't want to lose weight.
I am dying to lose weight.
But, after all these years, all those method never gives any positives result.

Don't mentioned about marriage, I am jealous to death looking at my friends who are already married and now they have kids.
I feel like a loser.

Alhamdulillah, after I started working in Bangi, I met Kak Yan, she had introduced me to many good things including KSK. KSK is Kechara Soup Kitchen. I followed her to the briefing for the first time at a week before Raya last year and keep volunteering after that.
Volunteering with KSK -- I am giving out food to the homeless at every Saturday night (almost). In one night, Allah had given me the deepest lesson to me.

That night, I was following our team leader, brother Hassan Scott to do registration for new client. Client is the term used by KSK for homeless. And so I was listening to their conversation. That guy have the same age as mine. He had prison records, he's on drugs, he got AIDS, and he's homeless. He have a very old mother in 'kampung' but he refuse to go back because he didn't want to burden his mother. He got married but divorced and have 1 child with her.
I feel very pity towards him.

How about his future?

At the same time, it makes me really scare because I never imagine that one's life can be that bad.
I thought being fat and not married is the craziest things that could happened.

Pak Long Tongkat is our regular client. He got gangren. (I am not sure the correct medical term-- but its for people who have diabetic and his feet is getting very bad) He refused to get help by the KSK medical team or going to hospital. He didn't want his feet to get amputated. And, he keep moving with 'tongkat' carrying his feet.

Watching him-- is a slap in my face for the second time.

I keep complaining to Allah about my weight, I want to become slim like the model and fake beauty in the magazine.

I failed to see all the blessing from Allah, all the gifts from Allah, are actually right in front of my eyes all the time.
Whatever I have now, are all Allah's gift.

Fat, slim, is a matter of shape of body.
Not the determination of one's happiness.

Now, I have changed my perception about going on diet.
This is not about getting human perception on perfect shape, perfect beauty, perfect husband, perfect marriage or anything...

I am perfect. Allah made me and you perfect and we are beautiful.

I want to reduce my weight to be healthy.
I want to reach my ideal weight and when I am free from bad fat, bad cholesterol, I want to register as on organ donor.
InsyaAllah.

I will stop here with "Al-Quran. Ar-Rahman 55:13-- Maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang mana yang kamu dustakan?"

Yours truly,
Fat and Not Married.

16 hari selepas 2015.

Bismillah.

Assalammualaikum wrt kepada yang membaca.

cukup lama saya tenggelam dalam Facebook dan Instgram.
last post saya adalah pada Mei tahun lepas.

Wallahi,
saya sentiasa rindukan blog saya.

maybe later saya akan share 2015 punya resolusi in the next entry.
insyaAllah.

Intan,
Welcome back home!