saya baru lepas blog walking. baca satu entri kt blog aiman azlan. ini
entri tersebut.terus dapat idea nak tulis blog.
here we go...
last year, i was nursing my mother who suffered advanced ovarian cancer stage 3B. she undergone a surgery on 5th July and it was me who accompanied her at the hospital through the recovery process.
After Hari Raya Aidilfitri, the chemotheraphy appointment started.
the first time chemo, i was shocked to see the effect that soo painful. and the thing that hurt me the most was, to see my own mother suffering from it.
i can't remember exactly which chemo cycle it is, may the 3rd one.
that very day, i had enough.
i can't be strong anymore.
i can't pretend that i am strong anymore.
i am tired!
i can't stand looking at my mother suffering!
i have been struggling with my inner self since the first day my mother told me that she had cancer.
i tried to convince myself that this is test from Allah.
i must be patience.
while i was nursing my mother at the hospital, i have to try even harder.
my mother's friend came to pay my mother a visit and they cried.
my relatives came and they cried.
i was shouting inside "hey, i want to cry too....i am the one who stayed with her 24 hours. but i can't. they said i mustn't cry in front of my mother. i must be strong"
i thought that was the most painful.
but, chemo is more cruel.
seeing ur mother throw up each time she drank and ate.
seeing her throw up blood.
she can't even sit.
and u are alone.
imagine how my feeling that time.
hopeless.
i hate the chemotheraphy.
(why did they come up with this chemo idea?)
i hate the doctor who arranged this treatment.
i hate the hospitals who prepared this treatment.
i hate the ward.
i hate the HO in that ward
i hate them all...
while my mother was sleeping, i went to pray.
after solah, i cried to Allah.
i told Allah, i am tired.
i told Allah, i am not strong anymore.
i told Allah, i don't have the strength anymore.
i told Allah, i don't know how to pretend i am strong in front of my mother anymore.
i cried and cried and cried until i feel i have no more tears to cry.
right after the doa, as i swapped my face,
i read a line on a laundry bag in front of me. it says:
"...be strong from the inside"
i cried more and more...
but this time not because i am sad or weak,
but because i am thankful to Allah
He gave me a way in no time.
but, the most important is, Allah listen to my prayer.
Allah listen to my sadness.
Allah listen to what i said.
its a miracle for me.
all this while, the laundry bag was there but i never gave any attention to it.
and, after that, my heart was like 're-charged'.
:)
moral of the story:
hubungan dengan Allah kena jage dengan cermat. solat jangan tinggal, jangan lewatkan solat dengan sengaja. bila berdoa, janganlah tergesa2. janganlah cakap dengan Allah, "Allah, aku doa yg macam biase aku doa sebelum2 ni.amin"
kamon. ini bukan order roti canai biasa kat kedai mamak.
kalu kita jaga hubungan dengan Allah, Allah jaga kita jugak. berkali2 ganda lagi.
yakin.
Allah itu dekat.
notakaki: mungkin lepas ni, boleh buat t-shirt printed "be strong from the inside"
